I Recommend My Friend for The DC Bar Unless Cupcake Eating is a Part of the Job in Which Case She’ll Need Coaching | by Tessia Sue Phillips | Jan, 2024 – Jarastyle

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In our 20 years of friendship I saw her eat a lot of cupcakes- like I had time to get used to it- but I never did, and it still creeps me out.

Tessia Sue PhillipsThe Belladonna ComedyPhoto by  Valeria Boltneva via Pexels

Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels

To Whom It May Concern,

I have had the honor and pleasure of spending the last two decades bearing witness to the character, kindness, and drive of Eloise Kaye Boyd, and wholeheartedly recommend that she join the District of Columbia Bar. I have years of stories and gratitudes for Eloise, and could not feel more strongly that she will be an asset to the legal profession, and Bar of the District of Columbia, but again, as long as the District of Columbia bar passing never includes eating a cupcake in front of anyone, because Eloise eats a cupcake super weird.

In high school, every club, organization, and activity that was consistently putting out exciting work, known for starting meetings on time and having a devout member base, seemed to connect back to Eloise. She participated in and later ran Glee Club, Yearbook, and the school choir. Eloise’s tremendous and diverse talent is surpassed only by her ability to make others feel welcome, cared for, and eager to work hard. But re: the cupcake she does that thing where she rips the bottom off and puts it on the top like a sandwich where the middle is the icing, and it’s jarring. In our 20 years of friendship I saw her eat a lot of cupcakes- like I had time to get used to it- but I never did, and it still creeps me out.

No matter the setting, she makes other people better. Eloise knows what is meaningful to people, and complements that with being the hardest worker in the room. Except, and I’ll say this again, she does the sandwich thing but she does it coy- like she’s trying to get it past you. She doesn’t announce like ‘this is how I eat a cupcake! Bleh!’ she’ll just like, do it and expect us to just all keep going on like it’s normal. I think I want her to acknowledge it. To be more honest about it as a shortcoming or quirk not like an acceptable way to do cupcake eating.

I have never seen a person, organization, school, play, song, conversation, library, restaurant, epiphany, term paper, or city encounter Eloise Kaye Boyd and not be made better. So maybe you let her into the DC bar, and you just strictly stick to mini muffins or like handheld cakes at events? But mini pieces of cake, NOT mini-cupcakes. I’ve seen her do it with mini cupcakes too, and it’s worse because she needs tools. She’ll grab a knife and a plate, set the mini cupcake down, cut it in half, and do the sandwich cream thing even for the single bite, and she’ll do it without blinking, she’ll just carry on a conversation and not track the horror in my eyes. If there’s anything on top of the cupcake- edible or not- she’ll just slap that cupcake bottom on top and keep going- sometimes without noticing what is now in the middle of her cupcake sandwich. I’ve seen her bite a plastic decal, I swear.

It’s a health issue, honestly. And it’s antithetical to the purpose of a cupcake which is to eat cake without utensils, right? It’s a CUP version of a cake, that’s the whole thing. But if you need cutlery and a napkin and you can’t, like, take it on the go or around the room,. You’re basically desecrating both the cupcake itself as well as the supplier of the cupcake. What if she’s at a law event and there’s a person there who brought the cupcakes and they see this? She’s screwed, and so is the DC Bar. Please, stop this. Admit her to the DC bar and then stop this. Please.


Tessia Phillips


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