Hello! It’s Me, Mary, Your Local Banshee | by Saoirse Mcgurrin | Feb, 2024 – Jarastyle

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If you ever need me, I’ll most likely be directly under the foundation of your house.

Saoirse McgurrinThe Belladonna ComedyImage by: StephM2506 on iStock

I’m so excited to meet —

GAAAH

You. Sorry about that. My genetic makeup causes me to —

GAAAAAAAAAAAH

Express myself uncontrollab —

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

— ly.

It’s not so bad once you get used to it. And you will! That’s right. I’m finally out of escrow so the place is officially mine. We’re going to be —

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Neighbors! I thought I’d stop by with cookies. That’s what I’ve heard you’re supposed to do. I wouldn’t know. I’ve spent the last twelve hundred years in silent rural Ireland. That said, I should warn you about my —

GAH

Wailing hours. I’ll do my best to keep them between the stroke of midnight and four am. Unfortunately, my ancestral urge is to continue wailing until sunrise. I will do my best to —

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Curb that. The cookies have peanuts. Is that okay? Any allergies I should know of? I’m allergic to the sun, so you won’t be seeing much of me. If there’s somewhere I must get to during daylight, I just burrow beneath the wet dirt. I’ll do my best to avoid tearing up your garden or getting into your plumbing, but just a heads-up that it’s almost inevitable as it’s very dark down there and I hate asking for directions. I get that from my father, who is a literal stone-cold gargoyle. Talk about the silent —

GAH

Treatment! So, between my burrowing and wailing, I’ll do my best to keep my weeping and shrieking to —

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

A minimum. My keening, unfortunately, I have little to no control over. My body bends and twists like clockwork. Every hour. On the hour. Sometimes my shrieks are not from grief alone, but from my twelve-hundred-year-old bones snapping from this constant exercise. Do let me know if you have a local physical therapist you can recommend in the area.

GAH

Finally, I’m hoping you can watch my two black tabby cats, Tit and Tat. I’ll be out of town in two weeks for FangCon. I’m a keynote speaker this year, lecturing on the benefits of mental —

GAAAH

Health awareness in the ghoul community. Tit and Tat shouldn’t be too much trouble. They’re basically on my same schedule. If they’re not catfighting in those early morning hours, they’re mating. So, if you hear a piercing shriek in the night, worry not. Thanks so much for your help! Please let me know if there is any —

GAH

— thing I can do in return, neighbor! Oh, and one last question. What day is street cleaning? My ghost horse, Fred, has a strong aversion to modern vehicles. As soon as he hears those buzzing brushes, he goes into a frenzy that lasts for the subsequent forty-eight to seventy-two hours.

Fortunately, his shrill neighs are at a frequency that the human eardrum can barely register. However, they tend to wake the pack of howling jackals I keep in my basement. If they act up while I’m away at FangCon, no need to make a big fuss. Just feed them any virgin you find in the village. Anyway, listen —

GAH

I’m so happy I got to —

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Meet you. If you ever need me, I’ll most likely be directly under the foundation of your house. So don’t be a —

GAH

Stranger! Grab a shovel and I’ll —

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

See you down there!



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Jarastyle – #Mary #Local #Banshee #Saoirse #Mcgurrin #Feb
Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/hello-its-me-mary-your-local-banshee-55bf8e91da77?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4

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