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by Wendi Aarons and Johanna Gohmann
Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-alcohol-blur-celebrate-290316/
If the person leading the tasting has a French accent, the wine was made from heirloom grapes.
If the person leading the tasting has an Italian accent, the wine was made from even fancier heirloom grapes.
If the person leading the tasting has an Alabama accent, the wine was made by someone afraid of drag queens.
It is normal to feel slightly intimidated or out of your depth at a wine tasting. Do not act out and mock the lady behind you by saying “Smooooth buttery oooak!” in a really high, whiny voice.
It is, however, acceptable to discreetly spill Shiraz directly into the purse of anyone wearing a shirt that reads “This Mom Runs on Coffee, Wine, and Amazon Prime.”
Wines are often named after the regions where they are produced. Try to avoid anything called “Ohio Industrial Park.”
When tasting, preface any remarks about the wine with “notes of” and whatever you say next will be okay. For example, “It’s giving me notes of feeling like an asshole for spending $75 to taste wine made in Cincinnati.”
Nobody knows what a tannin is.
Pronunciation counts. For example, “Merlot” doesn’t rhyme with “Harlot”; it rhymes with “Gigolo”.
Pinot Gigolo is a great porn name.
As is Tits Sommelier.
You should never, ever say “This chardonnay has notes of porn.”
Unless you’re at a Cincinnati winery.
Words to describe wine include “full-bodied”, “sumptuous” and “zesty.”
Those are also ways you may describe yourself after your fifth glass of Beaujolais.
After taking a sip of wine, swish it around in your mouth like Listerine, then spit it into the bucket. If the wine is French, swish it around in your mouth, then spit take it into the face of the person across from you.
Because that’s what stupid France gets for loving Jerry Lewis.
If your teeth become wine-stained, drink water, quickly chew a stick of gum, or pretend to be one of the mushroom people from Last of Us and gnaw on the arm of the person next to you.
More words to describe wine include “acidic”, “astringent” and “aggressive.”
Those are also ways you may describe yourself after your seventh glass of Beaujolais.
It is not okay to punch anyone that uses the phrase “mouthfeel.”
It is also not okay to grab an entire case and run outside because you “need a bigger hit than the rest of those fuckfaces.”
If that happens, do not resist arrest at a winery. Zip ties make it difficult to properly grasp stemware.
You also shouldn’t say, “You’re giving me notes of mall cop” to the arresting officer.
When vomiting brie and rice crackers out the window of the police cruiser, try to tilt your head away from the oncoming breeze so as to avoid blowback. Be sure to note how the bouquet of the rosé becomes more acidic on its way back up.
Cheers!
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Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/your-wine-tasting-cheat-sheet-2f555a8bfc65?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4