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Print out a large diagram of the vagina. Use a Sharpie to redact all of the weirdest, floopiest bits.
Photo by cottonbro studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-paper-with-reproductive-system-parts-6471431/
Hold up a large cucumber and a condom. Blow the condom up like a balloon, then dramatically pop it with a pin. Explain that this is the brain on sex. Slice the cucumber into quarter inch segments and remind them of the importance of healthy snack choices.
Reenact scenes from Vicky Christina Barcelona, but with sock puppets. Give the puppets really stupid, idiot faces, like with noses made of fusilli.
Print out a large diagram of the vagina. Use a Sharpie to redact all of the weirdest, floopiest bits.
Have their Uncle Bruce explain the different methods of birth control currently available while eating an extremely large hoagie with extra lettuce.
Take them to a large corn maze on a moonless night. Explain that — like the maze — sex can be confusing and not without risk. Tell them there’s an old Playboy hidden somewhere in the maze. As well as a medium-sized coyote. Wish them luck.
Wait until they are being fitted for braces. Instruct Dr. Baumberger to read sections of Anais Nin’s Delta of Venus aloud in between bracket tightening.
Carefully explain that they may experience urges or desires that fall outside of our heteronormative culture. Reassure them that if they properly suppress and strangle these urges, they too could one day hold political office and/or helm a large religious organization.
Go ahead and tell them everything. But super-fast, like an auctioneer on some really high-quality cocaine.
Tell them nothing. Then put your fingers in your ears and hum really loudly, while pretending the Internet doesn’t exist, and that Justin from homeroom totally isn’t going to just straight up show them Bad Girls Bangfest on his phone on the bus back from the Planetarium.
Johannna Gohmann is a writer based beside a toxic canal in Brooklyn. She has written for The New Yorker’s Daily Shouts, McSweeney’s, The Cut, and Jezebel. In the 6th grade she told all of her friend’s at Catholic school she’d heard about something called a dildo. Parents called and complained and then Mrs. Weber yelled at her in front of the entire class. www.JohannaGohmann.com IG: @johannagohmann
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