Rosaline, Some Dos and Don’ts of Caring For Me, Your Plant | by Stephanie | Jan, 2024 – Jarastyle

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Do take me out with you one of these days; I like brunch.

StephanieThe Belladonna Comedy

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels, cropped by author.

Do water me.

Don’t water me that much!

Do water me a bit more than that…

Don’t water me from a poorly rinsed Gatorade bottle again.

Do add a smidge of Gatorade back into my water; as it turns out, I will need to be weaned off. Watermelon flavor, preferably.

Don’t toss crumbs onto my soil. The trash can is literally just there. You’re doing nothing for my morale, Rosaline!

Do talk to me.

Don’t trauma dump. Do I think your mom is weirdly competitive with you? Sure. Do I think that’s why you can’t maintain healthy friendships? Uh huh. Am I positive your unresolved issues are holding you back in just about every aspect of your life, and they’ll likely result in you never finding true love? Certainly not a no. But would it kill you to ask how my day went once in a while?

Do give my care label a read. There’s no use Googling “How not kill ficus”; I’m a Swiss cheese plant.

Don’t take the name literally, Rosaline.

Do repot me. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m in your “missing” saucepan.

Don’t bother with the repotting if all you have to offer is that ceramic boob-shaped pot complete with exposed nipple. What is it with you and breast-themed decor, Rosaline?

Do give me a refreshing mist once in a while.

Don’t spritz me with your hyaluronic toner.

Do move me closer to the window. It’s disheartening that the faux plant gets more sunlight than me.

Don’t play dumb about the faux plant; you must have known, Rosaline; it’s fiber optic!

Do get another (real) plant. Some like-minded company would be nice.

Don’t get it from Craiglist. That weeping fig had root rot and was quite obviously possessed. Do you remember when its leaves started spinning, Rosaline?

Do dust me gently with a damp cloth.


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