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Oops! I Lied on My Resume and Now I’m Writing Art Placards at the Met
Photo by Inés Castellano on Unsplash
Standing Woman
Naqaba II (ca. 3650–3100 BCE)
Pottery
This small figurine depicts a voluptuous nude female. Her ample bosom suggests fertility, and also that the artist was one horny dude who liked big naturals as much as anyone. Given the unavailability of digital pornography in the stone age, shepherds might carry one of these around for inspiration when they took to the fields. Contrary to popular belief, sheep don’t need that much supervision, giving shepherds plenty of downtime. Some used this downtime to write poems and weave baskets, others to jerk off. Contemporaneous accounts from carved tablets (the shitposts of their day), indicated that it was a rite of passage for many young boys to raid their fathers’ figurine collections, which the men often stowed in old chipped vessels in the stables beside their thatched huts.
Celestial Creature
Ireland, 11th century
Stone
This is a statue of a naked leprechaun with an erection. It represents the struggles of life under late feudalism.
Olympia
Edouard Manet
1863
Oil on canvas
The interplay of light and shadows across the naked body of the woman tells me Manet was a perv. Posing still in repose like this for hours, tells me the subject was an NPC streamer of her day. It’s a classic story: reply guy meets e-girl.
Untitled
Alix “Mitsypoo” Rothschild Vanderbilt Kennedy Hennessy Patron IV
2015
Mixed media sculpture
The scale of this sculpture, its placement in the lobby, combined with the choice of materials, as well as the labor hours and studio space necessary to execute such a piece suggest that the artist had rich parents, who while they didn’t emotionally support their child’s choice of career, they did fund it. Also, I stalked her Instagram.
Red Canna
Georgia O’Keeffe
1924
Oil on canvas
This is an easy one. In art, a flower is never a flower. A flower is a vagina, and a vagina is literally anything else.
Two Lovers
Hokusai
c. 1815
Woodblock print
Although scholars previously believed the concept of horniness did not exist until the year 1960, here we have a erotic print depicting two people fucking, from Japan in the 19th century. Why? We may never know.
Cup with Cranes and Peaches
China, mid-18th century
Porcelain
A cup represents a cup. The porcelain is thin, almost translucent. Two cranes circle as if in an embrace, each holding a branch heavy with fruit. The symmetry of their positioning recalls balance, and peace. The use of negative space and the delicacy of the object itself emphasizes the fragility of all existence. To use such an object for the daily, messy reality of life would be a mistake. And yet, someone has. Someone has brought the cup to their mouth and drank, as people always have. Feeling the same thirst that anyone knows. The thirst for enough, for recognition, for more. Looking at this stupid, beautiful cup inspires a feeling of connection to all of humanity. To our capacity for joy and love, as well as vengeance and boredom. It is a reminder of the beauty in the mundane. That there is a single thread of feeling that binds all artists across eternity, and nothing ever changes. Meaning exists in the mind of the beholder, and nowhere else. After all, a cup is just a cup. I cannot tell you how to drink or what to feel. I don’t need an MFA to know that.
Kara Panzer is a writer based in New York. She writes about things like her obsession with her dog, marathon non-training plans, and the time a stranger threw up on her at her favorite bar. Read more at karapanzer.com.
Oops! I lied on my resume and now I’m writing art placards at the Met was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
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