Nothing Will Change When My Baby Arrives. | by Sally N Miller | May, 2023 – Jarastyle

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Not 6 am CrossFit, dinners out after 8, or my bank heists.

Sally N MillerThe Belladonna Comedy

Photo from Unsplash

Everyone tells me that when my baby arrives, everything will be different. I can say goodbye to my old lifestyle. But nothing will change for me. I still plan on going out for dinner after eight on weeknights, getting up for a six am Crossfit class, and I have every intention to continue to carry out my highly skilled, flawlessly designed heists.

Having a baby isn’t going to stop me from having wires strapped to my back as I am carefully lowered from a ceiling to steal the precious Kohinoor diamond. Where will the baby be? In a swaddle. Because I plan on practicing attachment parenting. Cat like maneuvers through infrared lasers to open the vault? No problem. The baby? Holding the explosives to blast open the safe.

When my sister had her baby, she always canceled book club. She’d cry say the only reading she could do was The Happiest Baby on the Block and the only words she remembered were shush, swing, and suck. When my bundle of joy arrives, I’m not letting my girlfriends down. It won’t keep me from reading the latest Witherspoon pick or finishing Techniques of Safe and Vault Manipulation.

A lot of the expectant mothers in my Lamaze class are already in Dr. Scholl’s sandals. I hear a lot of whining that their feet ache and their shoe size has gone up. If my 40 week pregnant self can saunter into the U.S. Bank Tower in five-inch Louis Vuitton’s then I can scale a 1,018-foot tower in a pair of stilettos postpartum. Also, I’ll have my newborn sleeping soundly in my ergo. Because skin on skin contact is very important in the first few months.

I’ve heard parents lament about how hard it is to travel with an infant. Some say it’s just too much and they’ll avoid vacations until their child is old enough to carry their own suitcase. Not me. I fully intend to keep up my jet-set lifestyle. Even if that means the baby dons a fake mustache and needs to look like the 40-year-old man I stole the passport from to conceal the baby’s identity. Once on board, I’ll just nurse him to sleep. He’ll be out like a light all the way to my remote island hideaway.

Everyone says you see the world in a different way when you become a parent. 65 million in bank notes usually spent on yachts and mansions, straight into a 529 educational fund. Priceless art sold on the black market now will be carefully hung in the baby’s nursery. The Kohinoor diamond? Beautiful, yes. Precious, irreplaceable, priceless? Sure. But as precious as my baby? Never.

Of course, I know one thing that’ll be different when the baby comes. I’ll welcome a new member of our elite heist team! I already have the mastermind, the gadget guy, the muscle, the getaway driver, and the con man. And if I know anything about what to expect from babies, we’ll be adding a grifter to the crew.

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