Making Your Weekly Grocery Run? By The Way, You Work Here Now | by Erin Hill | Jan, 2024 – Jarastyle

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Please place the item in the bagging area.

Erin HillThe Belladonna Comedy

Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels

Welcome valued shopper!

Thank you for your patience as we have recently shifted to new pickup and delivery procedures. Because all of our full-time employees are filling Click List online grocery orders — that will somehow still never be ready for the pickup time you select — we have implemented a new in-store system for enhanced efficiency.

YOU are the system! You work here now.

You’ll start by corralling your own cart. If you feel safer wearing a neon store vest, they are hanging inside the outdoor canopies. Be especially careful if you consider crossing the median to retrieve your cart from the Burger King parking lot.

Once inside the double doors, please use our complimentary sanitizing sheets to wipe down the handle of your cart. If the dispenser is empty, go to aisle 7 (cleaning supplies; you’ll have this memorized eventually), grab a new tub of wipes, and insert in the community dispenser.

If you are visiting our store for traditional grocery items, our nonperishables are in the middle. We encourage you to pay attention as you move through the aisles; please give our Click List employees ample space for their Hummer-sized order fulfillment carts. No, seriously, MOVE.

As you may remember, meat and dairy are on the perimeter of the store. We hope you brought a hair net because you’ll be carving your own honey-smoked deli turkey.

Also, can you roll sushi?

If you’re looking for a bouquet for a special occasion, the floral department invites you to create your own arrangements. The stems, baby’s breath, foam blocks, wire, ribbon, and week-old carnations in a color never once occurring in the natural world are behind the counter to your left. If you could make a few extras for the Valentine display, that would be great.

Our restrooms are near the greeting card aisle. If you use the facilities, please do a quick scan of any areas that need attention. Toilet brushes and bowl cleaner are inside each stall; urinal cakes are stacked in boxes near the sink. If needed, the soap and paper towel dispenser key hangs on a stall hook. On your way out, please initial & time stamp the “Last Cleaned” clipboard chart on the back of the restroom door.

If you are visiting our store for health clinic services in addition to our weekly stock-up sale on Mountain Dew Extreme, check yourself in at the kiosk, step to the right and take your own vitals at our iHealth machine, then head back to the restroom to take your own urine sample. Please grab one of the test strips from the bin. If your test strip turns red, scan the QR code on the back for directions to the nearest emergency room and drive yourself there.

Barring any urinary tract health emergencies, once you are ready to purchase the items in your cart, please head to our self-service check-out lanes (all of them except lane 21). First swipe your loyalty card, and then begin scanning each item you wish to purchase. As soon as you scan, please place the item in the bagging area. Please place the item in the bagging area. PLEASE PLACE THE ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA. Once you have run out of room on the miniature bag carousel, move the first set of bagged items to your cart. But also PLEASE RETURN THE ITEMS TO THE BAGGING AREA. We understand your frustration with the contradictory nature of these automated messages, but learning store protocols is a part of all employee training. Please resist the urge to hurl the 99-cent Steal of the Week Prego Sauce jars at the wall (do you really want to clean that up?).

When all of your items are scanned, bagged, and paid for, one of our full-time employees will check your work by reviewing your receipt. It’s part of your performance review.

We, your Corporate Grocer Overlords, appreciate your business and your loyalty. If, like us, you are interested in an even more efficient store experience, please consider visiting HR to enroll in our Microchip Program. For a small fee and only temporary discomfort, your loyalty card number can be embedded in your wrist as a scannable microchip. No more fumbling for your key chain card when it’s time to clock in or check out!

We look forward to working with you in the future. Thank you valued shopper — and employee!


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