It’s August, So Our Store Is Stocked With All Your Halloween Needs! | by Lauren Daley | Aug, 2023 – Jarastyle

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Fools! This is 2023 America. We live on the Retail Calendar now.

Lauren DaleyThe Belladonna Comedy

Photo by David Menidrey on Unsplash

Hello, and welcome to your local grocery/retail/big-box store! It’s a beautiful sunny summer day, 84 degrees, and thus our Halloween candy is well-stocked.

You may have stopped in for hotdogs and rolls for that family cookout, but if you’re smart, you’ll leave with green Reese’s Franken-Cups, a few family-sized bags of fun-sized Butterfingers, and a sack of candy corn.

We know, we know — you were on your way to a pool party. But our summertime S’mores display — complete with sticks you can buy because sticks don’t grow on trees — came down weeks ago.

You look smart, which is why you’ll stock up on all your chocolate zombie-shaped candies now on this sweltering day.

Some of your more moronic neighbors might think: “Gee, seeing how I’m on my way to the beach, I’ll just grab some burger rolls and chips.”

But you know it’s August: prime-time for family-sized-fun-sized-candy-bars-with-Dracula-on-the-bag season, 12-foot decorative skeletons and inane packaged costumes — from sexy construction-worker to sexy glass of juice.

Those who question your logic are still living on the Gregorian calendar. Fools! This is 2023 America. We live on the Retail Calendar now. Your pool parties and beach outings should be wrapped by late June. Back-to-school supplies should’ve been purchased by July 4th. August is basically fall, so stock up on that Halloween candy now. And if you haven’t started your Christmas shopping by October 31 — Black November Eve! — you are indeed a lost cause and may god have mercy on your soul.

Black November is a blur of stark-raving sales-madness and shove-your-neighbor insanity — which some of your dumber neighbors have called a “cheap cash-grab,” a “ploy,” or “a nauseating wave of corporate greed and forced commercialism that creates blind insatiable zombies in search of a false, promised American dream bought through credit.” But you know better.

By December, we’ll be ready for all your Valentine’s needs — from cards for teacher to cards for dentist to cards for random strangers. (Stock up on your pre-written deepest thoughts!)

By late January, you’ll see shamrocks and leprechauns everywhere you look. February is dedicated to Easter. March and April is basically summer — thus our burger rolls, ketchup and mustard pyramids built in the aisles — and by late May you should be readying for back-to-school. You’ll find our seasonal display in aisle 8 at that time, so you can buy buy buy lest your child be left behind.

Because here at this store, we know life is not about living in the moment, but shopping for the next. A good life is measured not by time and care spent with loved ones on actual holidays, but in how much you spend to look like you care about time spent with them. “These are just random holidays, monetized and packaged, forced down your throat months in advance for corporate profits,” your thick-headed neighbors proclaim. “This is a shake-down.”

But you, friend, know better. Contentment with your own life can be purchased, and the earlier the better. For the right price and a house filled with things, you, too, could live the American Dream. That’s why you’ll sign up today for our app to get exclusive reminders on deals and sales, like our pre-pre-Black November holiday sale starting Sept. 15. Remember our store motto: True joy and inner-peace is just a credit card swipe away.

Thank you for shopping and come again!


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