Indeed.com: Bank Heist (ENTRY LEVEL, BILINGUAL ENCOURAGED TO APPLY) | by Fran Bixby | Jan, 2024 – Jarastyle

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Up to $20 million a day — Contract

Fran BixbyThe Belladonna ComedyPhoto by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash

Are you a go-getter? Do you look in the mirror and see a leader? Do you see yourself netting 10% of total assets accrued? Me and some of my girlies are looking for a fun, empowered, woman to join our bank heist at Goldman Sachs.

About Us:

Female Heisteria is a woman owned and operated company. Our CEO, Bonnie “Slippery Neck’’ Gold (recently paroled) has successfully pulled off 32 heists in the past 10 days, amassing $467 billion, the Jewel of the Atlantic, and a Subaru Forester. We promote an environment that says “We learned from the school of hard knocks” and we take pride in our interpersonal communication skills (burner phones provided). We are a peanut-free facility.

What the job entails:

  • Driving 110 mph down our nation’s busiest streets
  • Basic cash-handling
  • Seducing a man in a tuxedo while pickpocketing the safe key out of his suit jacket
  • Saying it will take days to hack the computer system, typing for 10 seconds, and then saying “I’m in.”

Qualifications:

  • A go-with-the-flow spirit
  • A valid driver’s license
  • A highly unique skill that your coworkers at your day job are a little jealous of because while it is obviously helpful in a heist, no one expected it to be helpful at your accounting firm.
  • A teamwork mindset
  • Several credit cards a plus, but not required

Benefits:

  • A great atmosphere: We cherish the energy and safe space we, as a collective, have created. It may seem cliché but we really are a family.
  • Beautiful workwear: Our uniforms consist of dresses by Gucci, Armani, and Ralph Lauren that we have purchased with the funds from nefarious deeds that we’ve done solitarily in our mysterious pasts.
  • Competitive pay: You may be given a unique opportunity by a down-to-earth cop who offers you a clean record to turn in one of your peers.
  • 401(k) matching

How to Apply:

  • Sneak into our secret underground facility that is built into the working mother of two’s garage between the hours of 11:00 pm and 1:00 am.
  • Prove your agility by gracefully avoiding a series of lasers and then standing up slowly, smiling, and flipping your ponytail like it was no big deal.
  • Solve a series of puzzles that would take several graduate level degrees to understand.
  • Submit your resume and cover letter to jobs@femaleheisteria.net.

*Please be aware that by clicking on this job posting, you have consented to Female Heisteria hacking into your computer and learning the lurid and intimate details of your life.



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Jarastyle – #Indeed.com #Bank #Heist #ENTRY #LEVEL #BILINGUAL #ENCOURAGED #APPLY #Fran #Bixby #Jan
Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/indeed-com-bank-heist-entry-level-bilingual-encouraged-to-apply-d97ebaf8c29e?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4

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