Up to $20 million a day — Contract
Photo by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash
Are you a go-getter? Do you look in the mirror and see a leader? Do you see yourself netting 10% of total assets accrued? Me and some of my girlies are looking for a fun, empowered, woman to join our bank heist at Goldman Sachs.
Female Heisteria is a woman owned and operated company. Our CEO, Bonnie “Slippery Neck’’ Gold (recently paroled) has successfully pulled off 32 heists in the past 10 days, amassing $467 billion, the Jewel of the Atlantic, and a Subaru Forester. We promote an environment that says “We learned from the school of hard knocks” and we take pride in our interpersonal communication skills (burner phones provided). We are a peanut-free facility.
What the job entails:
- Driving 110 mph down our nation’s busiest streets
- Basic cash-handling
- Seducing a man in a tuxedo while pickpocketing the safe key out of his suit jacket
- Saying it will take days to hack the computer system, typing for 10 seconds, and then saying “I’m in.”
- A go-with-the-flow spirit
- A valid driver’s license
- A highly unique skill that your coworkers at your day job are a little jealous of because while it is obviously helpful in a heist, no one expected it to be helpful at your accounting firm.
- A teamwork mindset
- Several credit cards a plus, but not required
- A great atmosphere: We cherish the energy and safe space we, as a collective, have created. It may seem cliché but we really are a family.
- Beautiful workwear: Our uniforms consist of dresses by Gucci, Armani, and Ralph Lauren that we have purchased with the funds from nefarious deeds that we’ve done solitarily in our mysterious pasts.
- Competitive pay: You may be given a unique opportunity by a down-to-earth cop who offers you a clean record to turn in one of your peers.
- 401(k) matching
How to Apply:
- Sneak into our secret underground facility that is built into the working mother of two’s garage between the hours of 11:00 pm and 1:00 am.
- Prove your agility by gracefully avoiding a series of lasers and then standing up slowly, smiling, and flipping your ponytail like it was no big deal.
- Solve a series of puzzles that would take several graduate level degrees to understand.
- Submit your resume and cover letter to firstname.lastname@example.org.
*Please be aware that by clicking on this job posting, you have consented to Female Heisteria hacking into your computer and learning the lurid and intimate details of your life.
Jarastyle – #Indeed.com #Bank #Heist #ENTRY #LEVEL #BILINGUAL #ENCOURAGED #APPLY #Fran #Bixby #Jan
Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/indeed-com-bank-heist-entry-level-bilingual-encouraged-to-apply-d97ebaf8c29e?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4