How Old Am I Again?. My life plan is to remain in my… | by Ruyi Wen | Jan, 2024 – Jarastyle



My life plan is to remain in my twenties until I die

Ruyi WenThe Belladonna ComedyPhoto by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

Hey! How’s my favorite baby cousin? It’s so nice that we could all get together for this family reunion. It’s been way too long since I last saw you! And I brought a special treat. It’s Pop Rocks candy! I know these are your favorite.

You haven’t liked Pop Rocks since you were seven? Was that, like, last year? I remember that when I became an adult, you were still a kid, so I assume that’s the life stage both of us are still in.

I can’t believe how tall you’ve gotten. You must be close to five feet now! I bet you’re the tallest kid in your fifth-grade class, huh?

Oh, you’re five-foot-two, and you’re actually the shortest person in your office. What do you mean by office? Do you have a job? Is that even legal? Or is this some kind of part-time middle-school internship?

It’s full-time and comes with a dental plan. Huh, I don’t even have a dental plan.

Wait a second, how old are you now?


You must be mistaken. I remember babysitting you when you were in diapers, and I’m 23. Or is it 24? 26 at the most. Certainly not a day over 34. Look, I can prove it. I don’t know how to get a mortgage. I don’t know how to unclog a drain. I don’t know how to pronounce the word “mauve.” Does that sound like someone over the age of 23 to you?

I do know how to balance a checkbook, though. But only on my head. Not, like, on my nose or anything crazy.

Just coming back to the age thing for a minute. The math isn’t adding up for me. Weren’t you born in the 2000s? I’m pretty sure that’s less than ten years ago. If you were really 23, that would make me… let’s see, add the 6, carry the 1…

Haha! Sorry, my brain blue-screened for a second. The number I calculated was so big, my back hurts just from thinking about it. This back pain I weirdly have all the time now certainly isn’t from some mundane activity like lifting a hardcover book, pressing a panini, or falling asleep without my ergonomic knee pillow.

You’re right, let’s talk about something else. Do you want a drink? I can make you some hot cocoa with marshmallows. Or we can do something fun. How…

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