Friends: The One Where Rachel Explores Her Reproductive Options | by Katy Maiolatesi | Apr, 2023 – Jarastyle

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Ross and Rachel are in Ross’s apartment.

RACHEL: Ross, I have to tell you something. You know how we were recently together. Well, I’m pregnant.

ROSS: You’re what??!! BUT WE WERE ON A BREAK!!

RACHEL: Who cares? I wanted to talk to you about my options. I don’t think now is the right time for me to bring a baby into the world.

ROSS: What do you mean?

RACHEL: I’m just not sure I want to have kids at all.

ROSS: Rach…are you talking about an aBORtion?

RACHEL: If I don’t want to be a mother, I don’t owe an explanation to you or anyone.

ROSS: (Very whiny) But I’m a good dad. I have that one kid with my lesbian ex-wife!

RACHEL: That does not mean I should have a child with you.

ROSS: But all life is precious! I don’t know what I would do if Marcel the Monkey was aborted.

Chandler and Joey are in their Barcaloungers.

JOEY: Hey, Rach.

RACHEL: Ughhh!!

CHANDLER: Could you BE any more upset? Is it PMS?

RACHEL: God, NO! I’m sick of certain men thinking they know what’s best for women, and wanting to control our bodies!

JOEY: If it means more bodies running around on Baywatch, then I’m all for it!

RACHEL: What?! No, I’m talking about the right to choose, Joe. Pregnancy, birth control, that sort of thing.

CHANDLER: My birth control was girls not talking to me for the first 24 years of my life.

Rachel is on a date.

DATE: So, what do you do for a living?

RACHEL: I suppose I could give the baby up for adoption. There are so many families out there who can’t conceive and would be overjoyed to raise this baby.

DATE: Uhh, Phoebe said you were charming.

RACHEL: But do I want to be a part of this child’s life at all? They will likely want to find me one day, and I will be in Paris doing fashion and not wanting that. On second thought, I’m not sure adoption is the right fit.

DATE: I like how your nipples are very erect.

Monica is furiously cleaning the table at Central Perk.

MONICA: I brought antibacterial wipes!

PHOEBE: Mon, you’re getting all floopity again.

RACHEL: There are so many risks associated with pregnancy that are not in the mainstream conversation. Pregnant women can develop preeclampsia, postpartum depression, or even deliver multiples. Children may be a blessing for some, but for me the positives may not outweigh the potential problems.

MONICA: Ick, can you imagine the mess twins would make in your house?

PHOEBE: My mom had twins and then she killed herself.

Rachel is at Central Perk.

RACHEL: (Thinking aloud) What am I going to do? I feel so lost. Maybe there’s a part of me that thinks having a baby is a good thing. It could be nice to have someone to love and teach to be a decent person.

GUNTHER: Um, hello Rachel. I heard you were maybe going to have a baby? If you do, and I support a woman’s right to choose either way, I’ll rearrange my entire life to help you raise it.

RACHEL: What? Oh…god no. I’ll definitely get an abortion.

Katy Maiolatesi is a comedy writer with words in Reductress, The Belladonna, and her annoyed dog’s face. Find her on Twitter and Instagram @kmaiolatesi and at


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