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Mind you, a single, one month supply is ninety-nine dollars. Dues much? What is this, Soho House?
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My boyfriend started drinking Athletic Greens exactly one month ago to complement his health goals and was immediately hooked. The website boasts there are not seventy-three, not seventy-four, but seventy-FIVE high quality vitamins, minerals and whole-food sourced ingredients. Now, that’s a lot of high quality vitamins, minerals and whole-food sourced ingredients! And while I am truly ecstatic that he has a new morning ritual, he’s said a few things about the product that draws a bit of concern.
“I’m in this for life.”
A little dramatic, no? This literally just started last month. You took no less than nine months to ask me to be your girlfriend, but okay. Fully commit to a juice. Mind you, a single, one month supply is ninety-nine dollars. Dues much? What is this, Soho House? And why did you opt for a daily delivery instead of monthly? And why is it hand delivered by a cloaked man with a green briefcase instead of a more widely known shipping service? Must he baby bird every last drop to you? EVERY morning, this happens? It’s just a lot.
“You’re either in or you’re out.”
Immediately, I’m sketched out because it’s too aggressive too soon. Why are we choosing sides? Why won’t you break eye contact as you say these words? Stop licking your lips like that. And to be completely honest, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with the side effects being eyes rolling to the back of the head while chanting, “Save me, Green Mommy. I am your bastard Green Baby.” So yeah, I guess, count me out on this one. And I’ve had about enough of you trying to sneak it into my nighttime tea while whispering, “Green Baby needs a friend.” It doesn’t sit right with me.
“Show me my vitals NOT improving and then I’d stop, but that’s not going to happen.”
You’re right, babe. It’s not going to happen because neither of us have the insurance coverage to do so. But the fact that you’re even bringing up medical stuff right now is insane. Know that I can’t freaking wait to mention this to Linda in our next couples counseling session. First, we’ll tackle our ongoing communication issues and second, we’ll dig into how you’ve added recurring “AG1 Meetups” to our shared Google calendar on Tuesdays and Thursdays at midnight with “absolutely no plus ones” written in the notes section.
“Frankly, I do feel better.”
I do genuinely love this for you. I love that your mind is clearer than ever and I love seeing you finally make time to meditate. But for fourteen hours a day? I miss you. I miss us. Maybe if you didn’t do it in the closet facing the wall I’d feel less sideways but it makes me feel like I’m on my own. You know that I want to be fully supportive but please stop telling me about the highly detailed visions you’ve been receiving of my untimely demise. It’s bad enough that I’ve had to walk around the house for the past month seeing your artwork of me weirdly bleeding green but something makes it more real when you say the actual words.
“I haven’t been hungover.”
Oh, so now your cells are regenerating themselves fast enough to stop a thirty-five year old from having hangovers after a night of binge drinking? Likely story. And you know what else is a likely story? That your newfound hobby has nothing to do with the strange black SUVs that have been following us around the city. Oh, it’s not related? Because something tells me it most definitely is related to the way you duck into the nearest empty alley after they roll down the window and yell, “Hey, bastard Green Baby! We know everything!” It’s just suspicious, that’s all.
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Jarastyle – #Real #Boyfriend #Athletic #Greens #Cult #Victoria #Hoffman #Jun
Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/five-real-things-my-boyfriend-has-said-about-athletic-greens-that-make-me-think-its-a-cult-798457422c76?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4