Catastrophic Things I Imagine Happened to My Gym So I Have to Turn Around and Go Home Once I Get There | by Lauren Grimaldi | Jan, 2024 – Jarastyle

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Natural disasters are unpredictable and there’s not much I can do about it. Who am I to argue with God?

Lauren GrimaldiThe Belladonna Comedy

Photo by Andres Ayrton from Pexels

All of the Treadmills Exploded Overnight While It Was Closed

Oh no! You mean, I can’t jog lightly for ten minutes before hating myself and giving up? Whatever will I do?

Someone Had Explosive Diarrhea and Shit EVERYWHERE So the Entire Building Is Currently a Biohazard

I’m sure this theoretical person isn’t having the best time right now, but it happens to the best of us and I’m sure they can make a full recovery. It could even take them a few days to get everything cleaned and sanitized and I sincerely hope they do their due diligence as much as possible to ensure the safety of all gym members.

The Entire Staff Went on Strike Against the Guys Who Yell and Drop the Weights on the Floor

What a noble cause that everyone can get behind. I might even pick up a sign and join them. Just don’t ask me to march or walk around. I, uh, really messed up my ankle the last time I was here and shouldn’t overdo it.

President Biden Outlawed Exercise for the Day and Told Everyone to Just Chill Out and Relax

Old Uncle Joe must have finally gotten around to reading my emails. I’m glad to know he’s hard at work and fighting the good fight. He’s certainly earned my vote in 2024.

My Doctor Called and Told Me That I’m the Healthiest Person She’s Ever Met So Any Exercise I Attempt is Futile

Okay, by doctor I mean the woman at the CVS Minute Clinic in my neighborhood because I don’t have a primary care physician. But I was just there about a month ago so maybe she forgot to mention it and will finally get around to letting me know.

A Sinkhole Formed in the Parking Lot and Swallowed the Building Whole

Natural disasters are unpredictable and there’s not much I can do about it. Who am I to argue with God?

The Vending Machine Didn’t Have Any Hot Cheetos Left and Now There’s Nothing for Me to Look Forward to Afterwards

I mean, geez, they really couldn’t do the one thing they have to do to keep me motivated? What kind of gym is this? Certainly not one that has my best interests at heart.

They Proactively Canceled My Membership Because I’ve Proven My Point and Worked Out Enough for Now

How sweet of them to notice! I’ve been coming on a semi-regular basis, and I’ve also felt like I’ve done enough to get the point across that I can do this if I want to. I haven’t felt this confident since I got an A in 8th grade gym class.

A Gaggle of Geese Decided to Become Members and Now They Bully Everyone Off of the Machines

I’m usually not one to cower to bullies, but in this case, these geese look really, really mean.


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