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I’m not god, but I’m doing the lord’s work
Photo by Julia Taubitz on Unsplash
Hi Margaret.
I’m finally here! Exciting! You’ve been begging me to arrive for years.
And I heard you. I’m shutting it all down after decades of monthly cycles. You must feel pretty silly about how hype you were back in sixth grade to get your uterine party started.
You kept beseeching god to get it flowing. For what? Years of menstrual misery? You really thought you were missing something. Now you know how wrong you were.
I blame those New Jersey girls you met.
What did you call yourselves?
Oh, right, “The Pre-Teen Sensations,” and Margaret, that was goofy. But now you, Nancy, Gretchen, and Janie can start calling your clique the Post-Menopausal Sensations, even though I am sure there is a better name than that, because it’s over for you all.
But just the period part. The post-menopausal sensations of discomfort in your bones, muscles, marrow, and even hair follicles will persist. I’ll probably give you a slight mustache, make your ear lobes look crinkly, and I’ll sprinkle a few sprouts on your chin. And yes, the hot flashes will still knock the breath out of you, while heating your body to roughly the temperature of a dripping rotisserie chicken, for years more. You will always need prescription deodorant and you should always wear dark shirts. At least you don’t have to worry when you are wearing white pants anymore!
Fifty years ago, you Pre-Teen Sensations were saying “I must, I must, I must increase my bust,” and now, when you look down, no, look lower, and way to the left and right, you probably regret that wish. You four were so eager to wear bras, but you had no idea the flesh that filled those cups could fall that far. Shocking huh?
So how is your group? Oh, you haven’t seen each other in 40 years? No, I get it. Nancy moved to Florida? And Janie is always busy with her grandchildren? And Gretchen is somewhere golfing in the Carolinas? Well, at least there is Facebook messaging to keep you all in touch! Did anyone marry that Philip Leroy kid? No? You should look him up!
Margaret, this talk is cute and all, but honestly I really don’t care what you are up to. I have one purpose: to push you into the change of life. Go confirm this reality with your doctor, even pop some hormones if you must. I’m here to stay, an answer to your prayers. It’s me and you until the end.
Unlike you and that Moose boy. He was so enterprising mowing those lawns. Oh, he grew up to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company? He has two yachts? Well, you win some and lose some. Unlike the weight around your waist you’ve been gifted by my arrival. You won’t be losing that. It is fine. Just embrace it.
Embrace it all! Wear big beach hats year-round. Get giant nautical charm bracelets and clink them together while gesticulating wildly. Wear gauzy layers and earth-toned linen. Or wear hot pink tops with orange pants and chunky sandals. Get a buzz cut and dye it blue. Try water aerobics, and learn French. Then become a water aerobics instructor and get certified to teach French. Get licensed as both a notary public, and an ordained minister. I trust that by now you’ve resolved your conflicted feelings about religion, and picked one, or both, or none.
Margaret, you can throw away all your stabby underwire bras and all your being eaten by a boa constrictor-ish Spanx. It is time to be who you never dared to be before! But it is also time to be in bed by 8:00 pm, and time to complain repeatedly how fast the years go by, and also about how little you get for your money these days.
But don’t complain about me. You pleaded for menopause to arrive. And I am here forever Margaret, just like you wanted. Even god can’t help you now.
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Jarastyle – #Margaret #Menopause #Stacey #Curran #Apr
Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/are-you-there-margaret-its-me-menopause-1b2de7fcddce?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4