A Ruthlessly Calming Meditation to Annihilate Your Stress | by Clare Wieck | May, 2023 – Jarastyle

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Absolutely dominate your well-being with this visualization.

Clare WieckThe Belladonna ComedyImage: Clare Wieck via Midjourney

Stress is destroying your life, but only because you’re a sad little doormat. (And not one of those marine-grade polypropylene rope doormats that last for decades. We’re talking one of those old worn out doormats made of .2 inches of felt that slip all over the place and pose a daily risk of landing you in the ER.)

But now you can put your weak, anxious tendencies behind you with the following guided meditation.

Let’s begin…

Close your eyes and chill out immediately.

Force your mind to mull over boring ideas like life without phones.

Relax the jaw.

Allow your mouth to open ever so slightly. If a bit of dribble comes out, don’t worry, it’s natural.

Let your chin fall to your chest.

Slacken those shoulders. So gooey.

Surrender to the wilted prawn posture you curl into for 10 hours a day at your desk.

You are a king prawn. Or queen, whatever you choose.

King and/or queen of the prawns.

Let your torso collapse inward.

Casual.

Fight the urge to sit up straight.

Let your arms hang by your sides. A bit like an orangutan. Remember they’re endangered.

But don’t let the endangered orangutans bother you now — this is your time.

Exhale the day. If more saliva drips out, embrace it.

Let it pool onto your lap.

Waterfall.

Release your thin, traumatized muscles.

Loosen your skin.

Flimsy.

Floppy.

Keep relaxing as hard as you possibly can.

Allow your nipples to fall off.

Quietude.

Elegantly tumble over your feet and into a ball on the floor.

Like a kitten.

Soft.

If inclined, let the bowels gracefully evacuate.

Allow your entire body to seep into the ground like vapor.

Misty.

Sinking further and further down.

You’re hurtling toward Earth’s core.

You couldn’t even imagine how hot it is.

Thousands of degrees Fahrenheit and Celsius combined.

You are a molten lead blob.

A leaden molten blob?

Your name is Blobulous Maximus.

Your only purpose is to blob.

*10 seconds of silence*

If you’re not utterly and perfectly relaxed by now, you’re doing it wrong.

Like so many other things in your life.

But that’s a tomorrow problem.

Now, it’s time for sleep.

Don’t forget to set your alarm for 5:30 a.m.

If you sleep in, your whole day will be fucked.

Did you leave the stove on?

Namaste.

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