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Go check the mirror. The circles under your eyes will be gone; they will have mosied on down to the chin area, where it’s safer.
Photo: Andrea Piacquadio|Pexels
1.) use a Retinol Based Serum! Formulas containing retinol tighten the areas underneath the eye and jowl line, which tend to lose elasticity as we age.
2.) Apply Hyaluronic Acid. Follow each serum application with this powerful ingredient to lock in moisture for 24 hours!
3.) Ingest a A Strip of Acid — a tiny strip of acid with your morning coffee will deliver exciting results to your appearance! Just slip it under your tongue and busy yourself with a short task while it takes effect. You might try a round of pilates, applying some squalene oil to your fitness app, or giving your mindful avocado a tiny bindle and rolling it down the hill and into the street, to start a new life. If it gets smashed by a passing car, it’s new life will be over. Otherwise, it will continue on its journey to Dayton, Ohio, to meet the Big Papa-cado. Either way, there’s no need to worry. The acid should be kicking in now. Go check the mirror. The circles under your eyes will be gone; they will have mosied on down to the chin area, where it’s safer.
4.) Stone Yourself. You look dull — time to exfoliate! Take a stone from outside and rub it against your face. No, harder. There, just like that. Good. If the stone has a worm on it, that’s okay. As you’re rubbing, the worm might bleed and break in half, but broken worms can regenerate. So now you have these worms crawling around on your cheeks.
5.) The Worm Question. Your skin should feel smoother from the stone exfoliator, but now you have these worms to deal with. What if they get too curious? What if they start getting frisky with your eye sockets? How do you handle this with dignity?
The answer is to just peel them off of your face and throw them outside. Show no remorse. Continue scrubbing your face for another four hours.
6.) Skin Off: Scrub very hard. Any signs of wrinkles will have taken a backseat to the redness, and eventually the blood. Keep rubbing until your skin peels off. No more wrinkles; just a ruby swampland of torn flesh.
7.) Snack Break — How about some raisins and ham?
8.) Concuss Your Husband. When your husband gets home, he might start screaming and making a big fuss about going to the hospital. Gently explain to him that you are simply performing your skin care routine. Unfortunately, your husband will probably insist that you go to the hospital. It is in this moment when you must take your bloody stone and hurl it at the back of his head. It is the only way to reshape his opinion. His mind is now a blank slate.
Much like a baby bird, or an infant Rhesus monkey from the Harlow experiment, when a man awakens from his concussion he becomes fiercely attached to the first thing he sees. Let that thing be your bloody, scabbed face. Cradle him in your arms. He will look upon you with adoration now.
You must teach him about his old life. Have a worn little photo album ready. Tell him about his favorite pastimes and how hard he works at his job. Share an intimate giggle as the blood drips down from your face onto his. Whoopsie daisy. Caress his hair. Tell him what a good man he is. If he resists, use the word ‘goodly.’ Call him a goodly man. He will be inspired by that. Tell him about his friends.
He might have a friend who you do not like. Say, Rob. Let’s say that Rob is unhelpful and influences your man to have unsavory goals such as owning and maintaining a boat. You must supply your beloved with memories that will discourage him from associating with Rob. Rob doesn’t recycle. Rob didn’t pay his taxes. Rob had diarrhea on the church steps. Rob got drunk on the lake and tried to get his boat to fornicate with another boat. He repeatedly shifted his boat into reverse gear and tapped the second boat from behind while screaming the lyrics to Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On”. The man in the second boat pleaded with him to stop, to which Rob replied, “Imma boat breeder. Ah breed boats!” until he passed out over the wheel from too much Captain Morgan. In court, when facing charges for public indecency, Rob glared at the judge and snarled, “It’s the only way to make new boats in this godforsaken country. Ya gotta make em fuck. Why doesn’t anyone get that?” And only two weeks in jail. A slap on the wrist! Stay away from Rob, sweetie. And don’t buy a boat either. He only wanted you to get one so he carry out his twisted game.
9.) Your New Life. Continue re-shaping your husband’s memories and behaviors as you feed him broth and heavy cream. Then wrap him in swaddles and place him on a sled. Drag the sled to a clearing in the woods. Then drag him home. This was just to give him some fresh air. Your face should be black and scabbing over now. Go to sleep and repeat steps 1–6 when you wake in the morning. Your husband will assume that all women rip their faces off on a daily basis. He will grow stronger and eventually emerge from his swaddles. His boyish curiosity will have him wanting to try the ritual himself. Encourage him to join you! You and your husband will be fierce and wrinkle free from this day on! No one will be able to guess your ages. #glowup #agelesspowercouple
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Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/get-ageless-skin-in-nine-easy-steps-c40eda840270?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4