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12% of parenting is forgetting what gross means because you have curdled milk in your hair and a little pee on your pant leg.
Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels
16% of parenting is attempting to emulate a better-looking, social media mom, one who makes an entire Sterilite tub of rainbow spaghetti noodles for their kid to “sense.” You are not this Montessori mom. You are the mom who leaves her Christmas tree up too long and calls lost pacis (and jammed strollers and wipey dispensers) motherfuckers. You are the mom who thinks it’s okay to occasionally let your child treat the toilet like a wishing well.
14% of parenting is reliving cool stuff you never really wanted to give up. You revel in parkouring Ninja Turtle toys. You eat crumbs off the floor (they’ve been there for days, not seconds). You notice the shape of wind in a tree, and you adore chicken nuggets, even the dino-shaped variety that is most certainly made of extruded pink poultry slime.
22% is prying your kid’s mouth open and saying, “What did you just eat?!” It’s a brown crunchy leaf, stuffed animal fuzz, a pebble (or a coffee bean?), and a piece of onion skin.
12% of parenting is forgetting what gross means because you have curdled milk in your hair and a little pee on your pant leg. Later you will remove the Rubber Cement-ish snot from your kid’s nostril with the suctioning power of your own mouth and a little tubey called a Nose Frida. If you value a snot-free shirt front, Nose Frida is God. If you’re new to wrangling a tiny, rolling human while aiming a booger sucker at their snout holes, Nose Frida is Satan.
46% of parenting is curating the perfect combo of Tupperware and spatulas to mystify your kid. This allows you time to scrub away skid marks, sit on hold with the pediatrician’s office, or eat gobs of Cool Whip with your index fingers, unbothered.
33% of parenting is trying to get your kid to sleep: First, you say goodnight to 37 inanimate objects. Then, you find Paci in any number of new and exotic locations. You call Paci a mother effer because you’re becoming more mindful of your potty mouth. You will the rocking chair not to squeak as you count 100 rocks. You will yourself not to sneeze as baby finally passes out. You transfer baby to the crib with your smoothest forklift arms, and finally, you roll that little loaf into what you hope is the best, most-contiguous, all-night-long sleep of their life.
10% is loading and unloading your kid into and out of various apparatus: Car seat to stroller to car seat to shopping cart shaped like a spaceship to wagon to highchair crusted in queso to booster seat to boat-shaped bathtub to car seat to frog-shaped carousel creature back to stroller to car seat.
28% of parenting is pretending you are stronger and in a better mood than you actually are: Your kid wakes up at 4 AM with a suspicious-sounding cough. Cool, you always wanted to wake up with the hoot owls and Google, is this croup? Allergies? Plague? Your kid only wants to play with souvenir coasters? Cool, coasters are fascinating. Have you heard the sound they make when you bang them together? You have to bring a trunk load of groceries into the house, but Butterball is going through a bout of separation anxiety? No problem Cuz, you are jacked, jacked, jacked.
37% is sniffing your kid: You sniff their head for that gooey-magic baby smell, and you sniff their butt to determine if they’ve pooped themselves. Sometimes you can’t tell if they’ve pooped themselves, and you find yourself passing the baby to your significant other (or whichever willing party) saying optimistically, “Do you think it’s just a fart?”
87% of parenting is realizing the math doesn’t math. Eight ounces of milk plus two hours of sleep equals shoes that don’t match and a missed dentist appointment. Two youth baseball games plus a temperature of 104° equals “You got this Mama!”
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Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/parenting-a-percentage-breakdown-or-just-a-breakdown-377818fc76e7?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4