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This was a great Light. God called this Light Clarendon. And God saw that it was good.
The Lord’s handiwork needs #nofilter. Photo credit: Roy Bilcliff from Pexel.
And God said, “Let There Be Light,” and there was Light. God called the Light ‘Day,’ and the Darkness he called, ‘Night.’ And there was evening, and there was morning: the First Day.
But God looked over ‘Day’ and frowned. Maybe it was it just Him (and it was, at this point), but Day didn’t look right. Day was dull. But God had an idea. God made a new kind of Light: a special Light which would cover Day and make Day less dull. And it worked! When he put this Light over the old Light, Day was instantly better in a way that was hard to describe but very clear to see. Was it because the colors were brighter? Or because the shadows were darker? It just made the whole thing feel way more exciting. This was a great Light. God called this Light Clarendon. Clarendon didn’t mean anything. It was just a good name for this kind of Light. God smiled. And God saw that it was good.
And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” God called the vault ‘Sky.’ But God looked at Sky and shook his head. Sky was way too bright. Sky made God squint (God was Days away from making Sunglasses). So God filtered Sky through another new kind of Light. This Light undersaturated Sky, making everything less bright, and even kind of monochrome, which God thought was cool. He called this Light Gingham, and it gave Sky a vintage feel-–vintage being Yesterday, the First Day. And there was evening, and there was morning: the Second Day.
And later God said, “Let the land produce living Creatures according to their kinds.” And it was so. But God soon saw that making each Creature according to its own kind meant that whenever they got together for a group photo something always complained that they looked like a Stork, which was insulting to the Storks, who were very sensitive. So God made a whole new kind of new Light that would look good on literally every Thing. This Light was called Perpetua. It made all the Creatures various shades of pale green, which somehow made them look more svelte and also a bit like they were on a soul journey out west. And all the Creatures were happy, even the Storks, who liked how Perpetua brought out the green in their eyes. Their eyes were really a beady brown, but God let the Storks have that one. They were very sensitive.
And God said, “Let us make Mankind in our image, so that they may rule over all the Creatures.” But things really broke down here because Mankind had oily Skin and deep shadows under their Eyes and their Noses got in the way of everything. Mankind had been around for only a few minutes and was already doing that weird ducky/hidey thing with their Chins. God sighed. Then God created for Mankind three kinds of black and white Light, so Mankind could look edgy without their Pores showing. God called these “Moon,” “Willow,” and “Inkwell.” Some of Mankind liked Moon best and some swore by Willow and some wanted to know why there were three different kinds of black and white Light to begin with. God patted his favorite Creation on their Willow-Lit Heads. He promised that someday He would explain to Mankind what the difference was and why Mankind needed to be filtered through three kinds of black and white Light to make them feel better about their chins. But not today. God was tired.
And on the Seventh Day He rested. God blessed the Seventh Day and made it holy. He smiled. The Seventh Day was perfect. It needed no Filter.
Rachel Garbus is a writer, editor, and oral history maker in Atlanta, Georgia. Her humor writing has been published in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Awf, Slackjaw, and others. Her wife is a primatologist (like, professionally!) and her dog is professionally anxious. You can find her being hapless on Twitter @rachel_garbus or generally at rachelgarbus.com.
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