That Noise I Made on the Leg Press Machine at the Gym Is Definitely Not What I Sound Like in Bed | by Alice Gomstyn | Jul, 2023 – Jarastyle

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So I whimpered like a romance novel heroine finally straddling the swashbuckler of her dreams…Big deal!

Alice GomstynThe Belladonna ComedyPhoto by Anastase Maragos on Unsplash

Hey fellas! Great day to pump some iron, am I right? Can’t wait to get the blood flowing and work up a good sweat!

What’s with the funny look, Jimbo? And you, too, Kyle?

Are you thinking about yesterday? I guess I went pretty hardcore on the leg press machine and made what you could call some, uh, distinctive noises — a series of high-pitched, breathy moans and maybe a tiny shriek here and there…

Right. So you noticed those. Cool.

Well, you know, we all have our special sounds that slip out when we’re pushing ourselves to the max. Sam grunts like he’s winning the US Open. Nina yells like she’s been stung by jellyfish. Kyle squeals like a freshly neutered poodle. And I happen to whimper like a long-neglected, corsetted romance novel heroine finally straddling the rogue swashbuckler of her dreams in a log cabin by a roiling sea.

Want to hear something funny? It’s actually not what I sound like in bed at all. I can assure you that my audible expressions whilst in the throes of passion do not in the least resemble those of a virginal, raven-haired wallflower being deflowered by an amber-eyed vampire with pale skin and thick, luscious eyebrows. Rather, I make more of a low, barely decipherable humming sound, like the whirring Keurig machine in the gym kitchenette. I hope you’re not thinking of vigorous lovemaking when you’re brewing yourself a cup of Joe. That would be distracting.

What’s that? You will now? Oops, sorry!

But it’s all good. Really, it doesn’t have to be awkward! I mean, did I inadvertently channel the vocal stylings of randy howler monkey enjoying a well-attended orgy of fellow howler monkeys and a wayward orangutan or two? Yes. But was I actually feeling like a randy howler monkey at said simian orgy? Absolutely not. The only thought crossing my mind in the moment was how good that burn felt as I lay back on the machine and tightened and relaxed the muscles in my thighs over and over and over again.

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