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Maybe I’ll start making my pizzas — learn how to knead dough. But god dammit, I won’t.
Photo by Saundarya Srinivasan on Unsplash
Dear $35 Pizza –
First, let me say you were great. Your crust was crispy, yet chewy. The cheese-to-toppings ratio was spot on. Your pepperonis and mushrooms were evenly spaced, with minimal overlap. What can I say? You were a pizza, and you were amazing.
But you were $35. And I can’t shake the feeling it was wrong to pay $35 for a two-topping large pizza to “Get In My Belly.” Which I maybe shouldn’t say, since Fat Bastard hasn’t aged all that well. You know what also hasn’t aged well? The price of tomato paste, dough and mozzarella.
Remember when a slice cost $2? You could go to any storefront pizzeria that looked cramped and hot and buy a slice for two crisp Washingtons. “When I was young, pizza cost $2 a slice,” I say, to no one in particular. But I wasn’t young. I was 38, unaware I was eating through the last of the affordable luxuries.
You can’t just decide to go from being $16-$24, depending on toppings and size, to suddenly being $35! I wish I could be mad at the pizzeria owner, but he’s just trying to keep his small business afloat. I’m not sure whose fault this is — the failing banks? Interest rates? COVID? Are we still blaming things on COVID? Or is it nobody’s fault and I have to live with this pit of anger in my stomach, instead of filling it with something delicious, like pizza.
Do you honestly think you were worth $35? Because you’re the exact same pizza I bought last year when you were part of a “Make Monday Feel Like the Weekend!” special and cost just $20. A special that has long since been discontinued, yet is still promoted on the website like a sick joke.
What does $35 even mean? The Dutch bought Manhattan for $24 — or 68.57 percent of one pizza. And now, Manhattan is worth about $1.74 trillion. Does that mean in a few hundred years, you will cost $2.94 trillion?!?!
I’m genuinely asking because I don’t know how money works. Even after Googling “What is Money?” I’m only more confused. Money used to be whatever people thought was most valuable. Like goats or grain or tools or buttons. And then we decided money was gold, then paper that represented gold, and now it exists on computers where no one sees it or touches it. But it controls everything, like my ability to order a $35 pizza that I have to pick up myself because I can’t afford delivery, but still tip $5 because the only way society won’t crumble is if we uphold the basic rules of decency, like tipping foodservice workers.
So here I am, $40 poorer, trying to ascertain — were you worth it? Were you worth two crisp Jacksons? Or is it Tubmans? Have they finally put her on the $20? Who knows because it’s all pretend computer money that rules our lives in a very real way. Maybe I’ll start making my pizzas — learn how to knead dough. But god dammit, I won’t. Because it’s easier to punch in a few numbers on my phone and then magically a hot, fresh pizza will appear. So I guess you’ve won. You’ve bested me Pizza. I will keep paying for you even if you become a googol dollars. But I’ll do it you delicious bastard. Because I’m buying you with my credit card, which is money I don’t have to pay back anyway.
See you soon,
Liz
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Jarastyle – #Open #Letter #Pizza #Ate #Liz #Reuss #Jun
Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/an-open-letter-to-the-35-pizza-i-just-ate-ffe49dbd6837?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4