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It’s your credit score that determines where you go in this afterlife…and for you, it’s not looking good.
Photo by Olia Danilevich on Pexels
The time has come for your soul to leave this mortal plane and go into that bright tunnel that usually leads to Heaven. Unfortunately, since we did some restructuring, all those good deeds you did while alive are absolutely meaningless for our purposes. Now, it’s your credit score that determines where you go in this afterlife. And for you, it’s not looking good.
You may have died thinking your credit score didn’t matter, and anyways the Capital One app told you it was at least a 700. However, the score on your banking app does not match the one calculated from Equifax which is also different from Credit Karma which is inconsistent with Credit Sesame. To combat Earth’s inconsistencies, a tribe of Heavenly Accounting Oracles will convene and judge your amount of outstanding debts, most of which are from a bill for an out-of-network MRI three years ago, which didn’t stop you from dying, so maybe you shouldn’t have bothered. As the Oracles consider your FICO, your soul will remain in Credit Purgatory, which is an H&R Block in Edison, New Jersey.
During this time of Purgatorial nothingness and free bank lollipops, the Accounting Oracles will perform an additional credit check, which will lower your score further as there have been so many inquiries in this Heavenly process, not to mention your outstanding application for a Discover Card from when you were still alive. Your credit score at this point is at its lowest. While we’d normally offer you the opportunity to use your credit card to manage your debt, the Afterlife does not accept Discover.
You will be allowed to use your untethered spirit to find a guarantor. However, finding one with a decent credit score of their own might be hard, as the only people that you can currently communicate with are psychics and creepy little girls.
You will need to find a wealthier psychic or haunted child and convince them to pay off that MRI bill. It will have gone to a collection agency, as you haven’t answered any of their calls on account of being dead. The necromancer may go ahead and pay your outstanding fees using a credit card, again, so long as it’s not Discover. If your debt gets paid off, it is only a matter of millenia before your credit score is updated and improved.
You will have to avoid Credit Hell, which is a Wells Fargo in Teaneck, New Jersey where the thermostat is never regulated. But finally, if your credit score is high enough for the Accounting Oracles, they will give you a spot in Credit Heaven, which is a really fancy Credit Suisse in Princeton, New Jersey. Enjoy this time where your soul can finally rest in a land where all loan applications are immediately approved.
That is, until your credit score is recalculated next month.
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Courtesy : https://thebelladonnacomedy.com/you-will-now-be-deemed-worthy-for-eternal-salvation-in-heaven-based-on-your-credit-score-48879fa29117?source=rss—-e9e22d25fb5e—4